Freedom from Anger, Fear, Guilt, and Pride

Notes assembled by Phil Benedict

Tahlequah Oklahoma

United Indian Mission

Greeley, Colorado

These notes are distinctly Biblical in their approach. They are drawn from three video series "Happiness Is A Choice", "Coping With Anxiety", and "Building a Healthy Self-Concept", as well as from Mr. Benedict’s own background, and from suggestions given by clients at Bill Willis Chemical Dependency Unit. The video series feature psychiatrists Dr. Minerth and

Dr. Meier who are the founders and directors of the Minerth-Meirer Clinics, which are based in Richardson, Texas.

Anger is a regular, every day occurrence. We will all regularly experience some anger. From a Biblical perspective, it is not the anger itself that is wrong, but rather how we respond to our anger and how long we hold on to our anger that can be destructive and wrong.

From the Bible. "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry". Ephesians 4:26

From the Big Book. Anger is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. Page 64, paragraph four.

1. Admit your anger problem. In the same way an addict must admit that he is an addict, a person with an anger problem must admit that he has an anger problem.

2. Make the choice to control the problem.

3. Ask God for the inner strength and the understanding needed to control your anger.

4. When you get angry, make yourself stop and think. How should I respond? Is it worth making an issue over it. If not, then forget about it and go on.

5. When you are hot with anger, you may need to make yourself turn around and walk away from the situation. When everybody has cooled off, then deal with it.

6. Three possible ways to handle anger:

WRONG - Passively - holding anger in---avoid dealing with it

WRONG - Aggressively - to say or do something with intent to hurt

RIGHT - Assertively - You may wish to talk to the individual. In a non-threatening manner, say what you need, how you feel, and what you think would correct the situation. The other individual may respond or he may not. If he doesn’t, at least you have done your part.

7. When you do allow anger to control you and you do hurt someone, be willing to admit that you were wrong. Ask God’s forgiveness, and then go to that person and ask for his forgiveness. Do what you can do to make amends for the hurt you caused.

8. Talk about your anger to someone else whom you can trust---to a good friend, to a counselor, to a pastor, to God.

9. Sometimes it is helpful to do something to divert the energy into a healthy activity. (Jogging, walking, Monday night football, etc.) This alone may not be enough, but at times it is helpful.

10. Anticipate situations that will cause you to become angry and, when possible, avoid those situations.

11. Take a good look into the past. Is there a "long term" anger, or other unresolved issues that keep fueling your anger, or cause you to have a very short anger fuse?

12. If you have long term anger, stop and think about it. Analyze the anger. Be honest with yourself. Why am I angry? Who or what caused it? How much of the problem was my own fault? How much was not my fault? What have I done to deal with the anger? What more can I do? Have I made the choice to forgive that person? If not, why not?

13. If necessary, make a mental choice to forgive a person who has wronged you in the past, or you may need to forgive someone to prevent a current issue from developing into long term anger. Not forgiving can lead to all kinds of problems such as depression, stress, bitterness, strained relationships, physical problems, etc., etc., etc. Forgiving is a big step towards personal freedom, peace, and health.

Forgiveness is choosing with your mind (not necessarily your feelings) not to hold a grudge or to want revenge.

The only real motive for holding in anger is revenge, wanting to get even with the person you are angry with. The Bible states that revenge belongs to God. From the Bible: "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord.’" Romans 12:19

Forgiving is not hard if you will let God handle the revenge. Tell God that you are putting the whole thing in his hands and your are going to back off and let Him handle it. God is a just God and He will avenge wrong. His judgment is always right. You need to put your trust in God and leave it there.

Forgiving someone does not mean that you will like or respect the person. And contrary to the expression "forgive and forget" you will probably not forget what happened. However, you do not have to keep dwelling on it.

After you choose with your mind to forgive a person, then reaffirm that decision over the next few days, weeks, months, or even years if necessary. Forgiveness is more of a process than an event. If you make the mental choice to forgive, your feelings will eventually come into line with the choice you make. However, if you never make the mental choice to forgive, you will never be at peace with yourself and you will continue in your anger.

Related words: Anxiety, Worry, Concern

As with anger, a certain amount of fear is normal and healthy. Fear of a break-in can cause us to lock our doors when we leave our house or car. Fear of failure can cause us to work harder. However, fear can begin to control us and cause all kinds of unhealthy things such as interfering with our enjoyment of life, interfering with our commitment to sobriety, causing mental distress, inhibiting normal healthy activities, or becoming irrational. When fear begins to interfere with a normal healthy productive lifestyle, then we need to begin taking deliberate steps to control our fears.

Loss of job or other position-----Loss of finances-----Loss of possessions

Being sober-----Staying drunk or high-----Relapse-----Outside world-----Change

Rejection-----Loneliness-----Loss of friends-----Failure-----Own inadequacies or weaknesses Health-----Sickness-----Accidents-----Unknown future-----Death-----Afterlife

Divorce-----Other family problems-----Our children’s safety and future

Legal problems----Life in jail----Being victim of crime-----War-----Fear itself-----People-----God

Responsibility-----Commitments----- Irrational fears

Genuine causes for concern-----Bad experiences in the past-----Learned or repeated patterns that develop over time-----Picking fear up from others who are fearful-----Dwelling on or regularly thinking about the uncertainties of life-----Conflicts from within ourselves-----Loss of meaning or purpose in life

1. Realize that God is in control and that He is always with you. From the Bible, read Psalm139 everyday for as long as needed to develop an awareness that God is always with you.

2. Regularly take your fears to God in prayer. Ask for assurance, understanding, wisdom, and protection.

3. Realize that God can guard our minds. From the Bible - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

4. Set aside time to relax. From the Bible "...let the peace of God rule in your hearts..." Colossians 3:15

5. Set aside time to think about your fears. Try to understand them. Ask yourself some key questions. What am I afraid of? Is there a real reason for the fear or is it more of an imagined fear? What will it take for me not to be afraid? What do I need to do to deal with my fears?

6. Talk through your fears with a trusted friend, a pastor, or a counselor.

7. Develop a plan for dealing with the fear.

8. Take it one day at a time. Learn not to worry about tomorrow. From the Bible. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

9. Get a yearly medical check-up.

10. Take time for recreation. Take vacations.

11. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Get regular exercise.

12. Listen to good Christian music.

13. Let the Word of God (The Bible) make you strong. Determine to obey God. This is a major step in becoming satisfied with life in general.

Guilt is one of the most devastating of all our feelings. It is something that stays with us day after day, week after week and even year after year. It can lead to low self-esteem, depression, hopelessness, anger, and self-pity. It can affect many parts of our lives and keep us from enjoying life.

It should be noted that, as is true in many areas, there is not always agreement among mental health professionals as to what guilt is and what to do about it. As the rest of these notes, these comments on guilt reflect a strong Biblical position.

Sometimes we may deal with guilt simply by denying its existence or redefining what we have done as not really wrong. The problem is that it really doesn’t work very well. Guilt cannot simply be rationalized or redefined out of existence. When we try, for a while it may suppress or mask the guilty feelings, but it does not really deal with the destructive consequences of guilt.

There are also feelings of guilt that can result from what may be defined as false guilt. People may expect us to do something or be something that they have no right to expect from us. These expectations are based in their own ideals and concepts rather than from an application of God’s standards. When we fail to meet other people’s unjustified expectations, we may have a sense of guilt. These expectations can come from many different sources. Demanding parents, pastors who distort God’s expectations, teachers who demand near perfection, and our own unrealistic high expectations of ourselves, are possible sources of false guilt. If a parent expected you to be a doctor or lawyer, but instead you chose to be a construction worker, you need not feel guilt or shame. Remember real guilt is a violation of God’s laws.

1. Begin by taking a good look at your guilt. Is it real, false, or even imagined guilt? Be honest with yourself. In reality, in most situations you know why you are experiencing guilt. You have wronged someone and you need to deal with it.

2. If you are honestly having trouble understanding your guilt feelings, then you need to talk to someone who can help you. Talking to a friend, a counselor, or a pastor may help.

3. If you honestly conclude that it is a false guilt that is based in expectations of other people who do not have a right to exercise control over you, then you need to recognize it. Once you realize that it is not a genuine guilt, you can begin bringing your feelings into line with your

understanding of the situation. This may take a little time, but once you understand what is going on it can be very liberating.

4. Be careful that you do not try to avoid dealing with real guilt by rationalizing it away or by redefining God’s law so as to avoid dealing with it. We cannot simply pretend that we are not guilty or rationalize it away.

5. Confess to God the wrong you have done.

"If we confess our sins, He (God) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9 (The Bible)

"For He (God) hath made Him (Jesus) to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him." 2 Corinthians 5:21 (The Bible)

1

Once we genuinely confess our sin to God, He will forgive. Don’t fall into the trap of confessing the same wrong over and over again. God forgives the first time we ask, even if we don’t "feel" forgiven. Take God at his word, accept the forgiveness and move on. Once you do this, your feelings will start coming into line with the choices you have made.

An amazing Biblical truth is that once we genuinely confess our sin to God, He credits his own righteousness to us. God sees us as absolutely clean. I stand before God with a clean record. There is no reason to hang on to feelings of guilt.

6. If you have offended another person, you need to ask his forgiveness and if you are able to, make appropriate amends.

Being forgiven by God does not mean that you do not need to make things right with whoever you have wronged. In fact, inherent within a genuine confession to God is the willingness to make it right with our fellow man when it is possible to do so. When it is impossible to make amends, you still need to ask their forgiveness. If they forgive you, then accept their forgiveness. If they do not forgive, then you have done what you can so accept God’s forgiveness and move on. In either case, make a commitment that with God’s help you will not repeat the offence, and move on.

7. To forgive yourself, you need to accept God’s total forgiveness; stop beating yourself for what God has forgiven, and move on.

8. Don’t confuse regret with guilt feelings. You may always have some regret. In fact some regret may be healthy; however, you do not need to carry a load of guilt after God has forgiven you and you have made appropriate amends. Again, accept His forgiveness and move on.

"...one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..." Philippians 3:13b-14a (The Bible)

Proverbs 16:18 (The Bible)

Some people are a little surprised when we categorize pride along side of anger, fear and guilt as something that can be very harmful. However, consider the following possibilities as they relate to how pride can affect us.

Pride may say, "I can handle it myself, I don’t need you, God, or anybody else."

With that attitude, one will never seek help.

Proverbs 13:10 (The Bible)

Pride only starts quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Pride may keep one from admitting he (she) was wrong.

When this happens, we live with guilt and unresolved conflicts.

Pride may say, "I don’t need advice or counsel".

When we refuse to listen to what others have learned, we are bound to repeat mistakes of the past and go through life with limited understanding and wisdom.

Pride may say, "I don’t have any faults or character defects".

If this happens, we will never seek to change our attitude or character.

Pride may cause one to "tromp on other people".

When this happens, we cause others to get hurt, and we may wind up arrogant, disliked and personally unhappy.

Pride may say, "I deserve better than this".

This may lead to feeling sorry for ourselves and self pity. Instead of working to improve our situation, we sit around and mope about it.

Pride may say that we are better than certain other people.

This attitude may keep us from developing healthy relationships that can enrich our lives.

Pride may cause us to put unreasonable high demands on those we love and others in our circle of influence.

When this happens we are setting ourselves and others up for all kinds of hurt such as failure, disappointment, guilt, anger and depression.

Proud people do not seek God.

Proud people are generally unhappy people.

Galatians 6:4 (The Bible)

Recognize who you are in God’s eyes. You are someone He loves and has specially created and equipped to fulfill certain responsibilities. He wants to adopt you into his family. He loved you enough to die to redeem you from the penalty of wrongs you have done.

There are times when it is good to have a healthy pride – I am proud to be a son of God, I am proud of my wife and my kids and what they have accomplished, I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish with God’s help. Pride that does not interfere with our relationship with God, and does not cause us to hurt ourselves or others is okay. A healthy pride in others can help to encourage and build them up.

Healthy pride can turn into unhealthy pride when we begin to make unreasonable demands on others or begin to manipulate them in order to feed our own pride. It can be very hurtful to always push your kids to do better than everybody else just to feed your own pride.

A feeling of accomplishment is OK as long as it doesn’t put down others.

With God’s help I was able to......

1. Take a good hard honest look at yourself.

Has your pride kept you from making needed attitude changes?

Has your pride kept you from admitting you were wrong?

Has your pride kept you from seeking help?

Has your pride kept you from healthy relationships with others?

Has pride kept you from making needed changes in behavior patterns?

Has your pride caused you to hurt others?

Has your pride kept you from seeking God?

2. Ask someone else who knows you well these same questions. Be ready to accept their answer without anger. After all, you asked!!!

3. Admit your pride.

4. Make the choice to change your attitude.

5. Confess the pride to God, and ask for his help in controlling your pride.

6. You may need to begin refocusing your whole self concept. You are an individual who is accepted, loved and valued by God.

In a Christian context, your value stems from your relationship with God. I am someone who was valuable enough to be loved by God. In fact, He loved me so much that He sent his own Son, Jesus Christ, to die so that I could become his adopted child and spend an eternity with Him. I am special to God and from conception He has specifically designed and created me for a special purpose. He has specifically gifted and equipped me to do a job and no one else can do that job as well as I can. I am a special creation of the Son of the God and Creator of the universe. You can’t get any higher position than that.

7. Develop your own program that will regularly reinforce the healthy choices you have made. Stay with it until it is no longer needed.

8. Draw strength and guidance from God’s Word, the Bible.

9. Associate with people who will encourage and reinforce the choices you have made.

Proverbs 29:23

When we deal with anger, fear, guilt, and pride, it can be a very liberating experience. Any of these feelings can enslave us. When we are set free, it is like being freed from prison. Those feelings no longer control us. What a relief.

Changing deeply ingrained habits or attitudes is a process that may not be easy. You will need to regularly reinforce the choices you have made. You need to regularly feed the new the changes in your attitudes and concepts you are developing. Be consistent. If you don’t, you will revert right back to your old habits and way of thinking. If you stay with it a whole new life awaits you.

The time to start is now!!!

© Copyrighted

All Rights Reserved

March, 1999

Below is a list of persons with whom you may have a current feeling of anger. Please check all that apply.

___ Mother or stepmother (name) _________________

___ Father or stepfather (name) __________________

___ Brother or sister (name) ___________________

___ Other relative (name) _____________________

___ Teacher (name) ___________________

___ Law enforcement officer (name or title) _________________

___ Other authority figure (name or position) ___________________

___ Pastor or church leader (name) ______________________

___ Spouse or former spouse (name) _____________

___ Girlfriend or former girlfriend (name) __________________

___ Boss (name) _____________________

___ Work associate (name) ________________

___ Friend (name) _________________

___ Counselor or therapist (name) _____________________

___ Current or former Bill Willis resident (name) _________________

___ Current or former Bill Willis staff (name) ____________________

___ Yourself

___ God

___ Other (name) __________________

___ Other (name) ___________________

Select a person with whom you are currently angry and answer the following questions about your anger and the circumstances of your anger.

Describe briefly why you are angry with this person. ___________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Is your anger with this person appropriate? What right of yours was violated? Explain. _______

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How much of the situation that led to your anger with this person was your own fault? Explain.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What part of the circumstances that led to your anger was the fault of this person? Explain.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Have you tried to do anything about this situation? What? ______________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Could you do anything else? ______________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Are you willing to let God handle the revenge? ______

Have you forgiven this person? If not, what is keeping you from doing so?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________